Writer’s note: I was recently featured in the second volume of In Transit, an online zine compiled by my good friend Michael Kaiser! This issue is an exploration of identities and intimacy and tea, from a group of friends and contributors (shout out to Grace, Jacqui, Tina, and Amy).
Read on for my piece about Friends & Identity. And if you haven’t already, be sure to check out all the great short stories, artwork, and written pieces from In Transit Volume 2!
“Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.” -Jean de La Fontaine
Friendships are one of the most important facets of identity. Think back to every major milestone, every great memory in your life, and chances are your friends were a part of that. Think back to the toughest and most challenging times of your life. Your friends were most likely there too, providing gentle encouragement and affirmation.
Your identity is intertwined with your friendships much more than you think. You’ve probably caught yourself at some point sharing similar phrases, mannerisms, and even laughing styles as your friends. At the very least, you’ve spent a significant amount of time making memories with friends, sharing mutual experiences, deep-down thoughts, and hopeful dreams.
Throughout history, great thinkers have emphasized the importance of authentic friendships for a healthy and fulfilling life, and it’s not difficult to see the truth in that. But unlike family, friendships are chosen rather than given. With that, they can be more complex to maintain. While family will always be our kin, friendships start and stop depending on many factors. Friendships come and go, encompassing different moments and directions in our lives.
My favorite part of friendships has been the beginning stages. New friendships have that feeling of freshness, without any baggage or pretext, a period where both parties learn about each other, spend time doing fun things, and say yes without having to worry about a million other factors.
I think back to my freshman year of college, when I met a bunch of bright-eyed kids who were similarly looking to make new friends in a strange new environment. Over late nights, group dinners, and many adventures, we developed our worldview together and cemented our identities for the next four years and beyond.
My post-grad years living in San Francisco was another period of making new friends, this time as “real” adults without the safety net of college lectures and close vicinities. As the months passed and friendships bloomed, we slowly settled ourselves into city life, sharing our struggles at work over wine and discovering the shiny fun parts of city living.
I look back at both those times with great fondness. They were truly special moments in my life, forming my identity beyond all I had known growing up in my family and allowing me to see other unique experiences and perspectives. In the past 5 years that I’ve lived in San Francisco, friendships have been one of the defining factors of my incredible experience. My friends continue to challenge me to be a better person while providing full acceptance of who I am at the core.
In the past, I overemphasized the good feelings and easiness of friendships in their initial stages. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that friendships are tougher than they seem. As happy as we are with new friends entering our lives, there are also times when friends change, for better or for worse. I’ve seen this through the years, and as I reach the tail end of my 20s, I’ve been experiencing this more and more.
The other day, I was catching up with a friend over lunch and the topic of friendships came up, specifically on the loss of friends. We both felt the sadness that came with losing good friends over the years, ones with whom we’ve shared many incredible memories, experiences, and struggles. Digging into it deeper, we concluded it was as if part of our identities was also lost in this process.
As a life-long realist, I commented about how the current state of a friendship doesn’t change the moments when that friendship was bright. All these unique pockets of time spent with old and even former friends did happen, and are as real as real gets. Just because friendships fizzle or sour doesn’t devalue what that friendship was. It was a tough pill for the both of us to swallow, but that realization made me appreciate all my friendships – past, present, and future – that much more.
Not long after, I had a similar conversation with another friend about the fleeting nature of friendships. To us, it was crazy how friendships could completely transform or even end in just a few short years. That conversation continued to build on the thoughts already simmering in my head – namely that friendships, even the best kinds, will always change. The way our friendship is with someone won’t be the same as it was even a moment ago.
But herein lies the ephemeral beauty of friendships. Each moment of a friendship comes and goes, but it remains suspended in our identities, making us who we are today. And with each passing second of a friendship, there’s the potential to continue to grow and develop that friendship, even in the face of changing life circumstances.
When I try to visualize this concept, I picture hundreds of light bulbs, suspended in an infinite night sky and swaying to a calming breeze. As the years pass, some of these bulbs dim, while others grow brighter. Some extinguish completely, while others regain their brightness after being dim for a long period of time. Yet in the end, all the lightbulbs are still there – every single one of them – hanging in the beautiful tapestry of the night.
That’s how I’ve come to view friendships from my childhood until today. I’ve made many new friends at different stages in my life, our experiences glowing bright through the months and years. And I’ve personally experienced the sadness of friendships that have grown dim, lost to distance, changing life circumstances, or time. But all of these friendships have had an indelible impact on my identity – shaping me throughout my life. And they’ll remain there, suspended in time, even after I’m long gone from this Earth. They are as real as real gets.
Moving along at www.RandomTidbitsofThought.com.
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